Good Bye

The last time that I saw my dad before his death was on June 16, 2008. Brian, Brandon and I took him to Murray's for Fathers Day. He liked Murray's. He took me there for the 1st time when I was about 10 and I ordered a hamburger. He always gave me crap about it. "Who orders a hamburger at Murry's" he would always say.

I didn't think that my dad looked very good that day. His skin tone was very gray and one side of his face was a little droopy. After we had dropped him off I said to Brian that "I didn't think my dad was going to be with us much longer." I didn't think that he would pass away that following August. There were many times that I would see him and he didn't look good and the next time I saw him he was looking good.

My dad would call me almost everyday and after that day I started saving his messages when I wouldn't answer. I didn't want to forget the sound of his voice. Every message that he would leave was the same. "Hi, Natalie! Just calling to say hi and see how everyone is doing. Tell Brian and Brandon I say Hi. I love you." About a week before he died, I thought that I was being silly and erased them all.

That summer I was really sick with morning sickness. I spent all day, everyday on the couch or in the bathroom. Whenever my dad would call, I wouldn't want to answer because I had nothing new to say. I was irritated many times because I was feeling so bad. I know he just wanted to say hi but, I had no energy to talk to anyone.

Why am I writing this......Last night I had the first dream about my dad since the day I picked up his ashes. That night I had a dream that his silhouette was standing in the doorway of my bedroom. I was so scared that I was screaming in my sleep Brian had to wake me up. Last night he said goodbye to Brandon and I.